Underrated: Vacuums

Besides making people who are watching TV pretend they're not mad at you but think "fuccckkkking stopppppp!!!" to themselves, these powerful bastards are arguably the keystone of our otherwise grim realities. Here are a few of their powers for anyone not familiar:

-Depending on power and age, can suck up: dust, dirt, paper clips, chips, boogers, lint, fingernail clippings, pet fur, some sticky things, small useless coins
-Capable of keeping any animal, domesticated or otherwise, cornered and paralyzed with fear for at least 45 seconds
-Takes bad things out of your lives
-Makes people lift up their feet
-Leaves tell-tale track marks on carpet that shows your guests you love them
-One of the only instances in the English language where two U's can party side-by-side
-Every one of them looks like a Star Wars droid

Just having one in your house makes a major positive social comment, saying "Yeah, I want to be a part of this civilization, too." Granted, their purchase and upkeep can be costly, but is brushing weird food and dirt off of your feet before you hop in the sack with a lady/guy friend the sexiest thing in the world? I argue, "nope." So, next time you're headed to the fridge or bathroom, stop by the corner of your living room or bedroom and say "'hey, thanks for sticking around".

Underrated: Bacon-Wrapped Hot Dog Carts

Some of you will say, "Yes, I've experienced these. I know!" Well this is for those of you who aren't saying that or haven't stumbled across (or roamed for like a drunk zombie) these late-night binge-drinker oases at 3am in downtown SF, LA, Tijuana, etc. Those of you who've had them know: hot dog of generally good quality, wrapped in a thick strip of its brother pork product, sizzling away; waiting for you to fork over three crumpled dollar bills and free it from its griddle prison. Slathered with mayonaisse, piled with condiments out of weird jars and handed over to you like it's a bootleg DVD, these delicious treats will easily dissuade your stomach from bleching up the fourth well gin + tonic you decided was a good idea. Why "underrated"? Well, cause a lot of people are scared of buying food out of metal boxes on wheels late at night. Count yourself as one? Well, take comfort that any rogue bacteria coming along for the ride will meet a quick death in the big pool of alcohol sitting in your belly.

Overrated: Cheesecake Factory

Holy crap. You're a Roman Emperor.

The number-one annoying people / crap dinner / pre-highschool dance destination in the Universe. Overpriced. Mediocre food. Long waits. Loud, pukey atmosphere that's some weird hybrid between Tuscan-themed casino and Party City the morning after Valentine's day. A grab-bag of grade-a clientelle including, but not limited to: obnoxious, tanning-bed orange prom-goers; braggy, desperate mortage loan officers / personal trainers; lost, confused first daters; motel people. How are there fifteen million of these things?